Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Sometimes there are moments of mild activity that causes me to ponder about what i really want in life. Maybe it is just the flu getting to me or something (hurhur..)

Anyways, back to my title.

This year seems to have been a lot about that. First Conrad having to be away at hostel for the whole year, and now elliot and daddy being in china for overseas cip. it is so empty without a part of the family around... indeed absence makes the heart grow fonder. Sigh.. not much mood to type, so chao!~

Superman fell sick...

2 days back, Superman fell sick
It was as if he fell out of the sky
The strong almighty unknockable Superman.
Then I realised we are all human, even you.
Get well soon daddy :)

Thanksgiving.

No UCDQ! not FANGsgiving. :D hahaha.. still cant believe that was a joke. hoho..

WELL!!

It's funny how sociology tutorials can have the most awesome bunch of people because people all just seem to feel at ease being themselves. No one is trying to be a smarty pants, no one is trying to be someone he/she is not, no one is trying to just stand out from the crowd, and yet a variety of people coexist for those 2 hours every even week of term. It's really nice and actually slightly sweet (for the lack of a better adjective).

Semester 1 has started and now, has quickly bulleted to an end. How fast time flies. They say semester 2 will drag like forever. is that true? well, we wont know till we go through it and it is best to keep an open mind right? :) looking back over these past few months (that have zoomed by faster then you could say "ZOOM") i'm really thankful. Thinking about how aprehensively i begun the semester. telling myself, this is bound to get me down sooner or later. looked to me like i started on a very bad note. There was so much hesitation, apprehension, skepticism. well, that's mostly gone i think. This semester has been lots of fun! well, i love people and its always wonderful to meet an array of characters. sure there were one or two freaky moments! but the happier times brush those away with much ease :)

So yes! am really thankful that God has been able to turn that pessimistic (unlike my usual self) me, and show me what keeping an open mind and heart can do for a person. Really. This is the first time in my life I've got to "mit dem Bus fahren jeden Tag!!!". go translate that if you like. hahha.. hey! come to think of it, i got so caught up in enjoying the subjects i am taking (with the exception of one) i forgot what i felt at the very beginning. isnt it great to forget at times? haha :) im really grateful. ahh..

on a silly sidenote, im actually trying to wish myself into yesterday's starbucks again just to feel the cosy and tingly happiness. but it is not working!! haha.. looks like i've gotta find myself there again sometime soon :) :) :) :)

okie dokie, thats all fϋr now folks! tchϋss dann!!

Christmas!! *meltzz*

Just had to post this before i go back to finalising my philosophy paper.

ahhh... Christmas music gently filling the air, simple reds and greens tinting the place, snowflake prints and red cups filled with joy. aww.. Im so glad it's coming to that time of the year again. Am in starbucks now and taking in the sight, sounds, smells and taste.. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) this reminds me of why we had such sweet times studying in starbucks in nov last year. well, at least i did. not sure bout the rest ;)

I've always loved Christmas for the array of things it is representative of. but since last year, the love for it was severe! im not exaggerating. it was literally like a disease that infected my entire being. the family gatherings, the services on Christ's birth, the remembrance of the snow we enjoyed that year with aunty chor kee and family, the Christmas tree standing in our front yard till chinese new year came, the friends showing their love through cards sent by snail mail..... EVERYTHING! I guess what i love about Christmas in generally that it is a a sort of symbol of lovein various ways. ahh... so so happy.

alrite, i shall sit here mugging and melting at the same time :) HEE..

an upward view

ever sat down low below the ceiling, throwing your head back just to watch the world play on above? i was doing that just now while sitting on the bus from sentosa to harbourfront. it felt nice and relaxing in a unique way.

know how we often perceive many things in one way? after a while, there are days where things seem largely mundane and way too predictable. well, alternatives are refreshing. (not that we should all literally look at the world upwards, but rather, pay attention to the special things around us) It helps us see the exact same thing in various angles that then help us realise the beauty of what surrounds us. looking upwards to the skies, watching the world up there pass by.hmmm...

Just days like these...

It's just on days like these that you realise you have lost the fighting spirit.
The exhaution of finding joy in the things of the past.
Something that was so essentially you and now it is gone.
Your willingness to let go surprises yourself,
and you wonder who you have become.

these days have been kinda weird. like, the constant waking up at the start of the day, feeling the tiredness as if it were the end instead. Sleep clouded with a myriad of dreams, nothing in particular. nothing significant even! just an active mind i guess. then instead of the usual ponders and simple joys, moments reel on, speeding towards the end and before i blink, its time to crawl into bed again. oh boy.. what a terrible way to go through day(s). think i might be coming down with something. hopefully not. then it'll pass soon.

not that i have even been a fighter. but today i have just realised my willingness to let go of something that is so inherently me. like, in these moments of tiredness u just stare blank, draw in a deeeeep breath, and go "oh well.. not like i can or (at the moment) want to do anything about this right now." so not me. i guess, in reflecting on all of this, i'd rather feel sadness, pain, confusion and provoked rather then indifferent. it pulls an air of dehumanisation and desensatisation that is honestly, quite scary.

haha.. no wonder i insisted on my 8 hours of sleep right? HEE... but i have not been taking my own advice. so mmuch to do... so little time... (as opposed to Garfield's "so much time... so little to do...") silly orange cat! :D hahaha..

untitled

nein! i am not labeling this post as untitled because my emotions cannot be sypnopsised (if this word exists) into a one liner.. it is lieterally untitled cos i am not in the mood to title it or for any matter in the mood to write. just feel like blogging suddenly before my blog dies another natural death :D haha..

actually it IS dead :P ah wells.. its like writing into the memory hole (1984) or something.

yesterday we went to continue our Biennale "tour". The place was not as interesting as the first though. There were some really interesting ones but to me, the emotions and artist intention did not come out as clearly as the ones at the city hall exhibit. mayb its just me.. (and the heat!) Regardless, we still had our share of fun (despite the rain). UCDQ kept trying to creep me out with the strange nooks and crannies here and there. seriously, the oldness of the place makes it quite creepy. have not uploaded my photos from my camera so no pictures this time...

the problem when i blog without intention is... its real scatter brain like. ha!

today went to the cathay to support wan's friends who were auditioning at ben and jerry's. there was this girl that sang so well! but a pity, she didnt have a world of people who were there just for her. so the juxtaposition between her duo and wan's friends' band's support was really stark and probably discouraging for her. but char jean and i decided to wait and listen. and oh my gosh! what a sweet voice! it was really pleasant :) then i dared UCDQ to tell the girl she sang well as an encouragement. but instead, that dodo looked at her and laughed in HER FACE! i was like, oh no.. but of course, she said it in the end.. *phew* nice friendly sweet girl.UCDQ is like the most unique, weird, strange, interessant und kuku friend i have! hahahaha.. its a compliment! :) :)

to end off on a complete random and literal statement.......

i am happy :)

Wiki my new friend...

talk about lack of time and trying to do all your readings in one day?
IMPOSSIBLE!
I realise quick searches on wiki answer my questions instantaneously! haha.. ok, of course it is insufficient, but i think it is a great starting point.

Just when i was stressed about having 2 papers tmr and german the day after! I looked into the school email and wala! my philo paper draft 1 back. disappointing, and i feel rather stupid. oh wells, time to get some brains anthea!! man.

alrite, no time for all those unhelpful feelings right now. I've got 3 papers to study for! ironically, german counts to my end grade cos i have no final paper, but i can only start studyin for it tmr! God save me. I really wanna be good at the things i do. but time doesnt permit me to do as much as i wish, or at least let me feel i've done an average amount.

*shivers*

How after all these years this still happens,
its sends shivers down my spine.
The constant fear of punishment
That is potentially mine.
The look, that sound, the pain that cuts
nothing new. nothing physical.

It cuts deeper then the skin
burns into my soul
the quick 2 second frustration
blasts through me this great hole.
Then i sit there angry, hurt and frustrated.
Bordering that familiar dangerous hatred.

Oh well, in a day it's gone... again.

Biennale 2008

Keeping whatever i have to say in my head. Just enjoy the pictures :D and if u can, GO DOWN AND CHECK IT OUT! :) :) :) there is so much in the experience that i feel cannot be captured by camera. and to make it worse, im not a good photographer. in my opinion, it was just plain awesome that's all. heeee...

Divine Intervention...

This is what i call divine intervention.

Had a loooong reflective post to get something off my chest, but it was "a lil" mean. Guess what? I highlighted it and *poof* it was gone. hahaha..

some things are just not worth being on a blog to be rmbred forever :D

Too much la u!

Anthea is jus too much!
So much to do and yet she's here.
Mental Constipation.
Yikes!
How to format and express what she has to say.
How to come up with a logical flow to bring across her point.

Shoots! Everything in her pia matter is rot.
Climbing the mountain slowly,
so far from the submit.

Obviously her thought aren't workin out properly.
Caesurated.
Bish!
Her brain that went on holiday never came back :p

Where to go from here.

Today has been an interesting, draining as well as refreshing one all at the same time.

I realise, i'm not the only one going through this.
I realise, there is at least one feeling the way i feel.
I realise, i'm not the only dehumanizing one.
I realise, i'm not alone.

Ok, its less severe then it sounds i think. Well, it has just been occuring to me time and again- about identity. Like, how a fabulous phase of life has come and gone, and up ahead is still unchartered ground, waiting to be journeyed. Then when we see that we hav to step out of our comfort phase, we hesitate cos we were and ARE still having the time of our lives, relishing every moment that we can. Why would any logical mind choose to move forward? Especially when the path ahead is foggy and uncertain.

But then, we realise that its only when u pluck up the courage and walk on, trusting that amidst the fog, beyond the fright, God is there every inching footstep of the way, that the next phase can be even more brilliant then the previous one.

Well, i have not experienced that brilliance, but i believe it is installed somewhere in that tentative future. All we need sometimes, really, is faith and trust that God WILL pull us through. These weeks have been draining ones and it reflects in the number of entries in THE BOOK.hahah! ah wells..

Learning with every stride i take... Something great is impending, i jus know it- for all of us.

Quick check in

So this week has been quite crazy. emotionally somehow. I have loads of stuff to do but not exactly in the mood, so i kinda drifted here. hmmm... Got a vocabulary test next week and i've barely begun the revision. Again, im learning to spell and all. Just that this time, its not a '10-words-a-week' kinda list. It is like 2 chapters worth of words in a day kinda thing. AND! German gives gender to its nouns. So funny stories are on reeling in my head to help me remember which nouns are feminine, masculine and neuter. Dont get me wrong, im lovin it! haha..

In fact, the only module i dont love (ok, understatement. i hate it!) is IT. but whatever. dont wanna complain since it wont change anything :)

the past few days have been like walking through a mini whirlwind. enough to shake and spin me upsidedown, but not strong enough to ruin me. It's not that bad really. Just gotta learn to feel less and move on more. In fact, its in times like these that i thank God i have emotions. they help me reflect more once again and lead me to writing which i have not exactly done for a while. also, they remind me that we are human and all these things are just part and parcel of our entire experience on this journey.

oh yes! i just watched the class video and the video that grace made for us again :) :) haha.. it never gets old. seriously :) im so so happy ms k forced the class video on us. It has preserved so much. But of course, she knew what she was doing- as usual.

ok, dun really wanna say anything else more. tata! :)

Uni life thus FAR... ;p

Ok, so i didnt blog in augest. OH well... haha..

Pple who have told me that uni would be a breeze?... hmmm.... I am still waitin for that gentle gale to touch me. Ok, no doubt we no longer have to rise at 6am (or at least I dont have to) and go for morning assemblies and stuff. but travelling is SO draining! let me lament for a while k? after all, i've never travelled to school on my own much less travel for an hour plus every day just to get to school. heh! wed's are the most ridiculous since i travel all the way for only one hour of IT tutorial. quite silly huh? oh wells, im cool with it- RELATIVELY.

So yes. My most interesting lesson would prolly be Deutsch. Its like going back to kindergarten and learning the ABCs once again. NO, not that it is 'as easy as ABC and 123'... I am literally learning the german alphabet! hahaha.. how to say good morning, good evening... how to ask after a person u meet on the streets, how to order drinks and call for the bill, how to pronounce the words with umluts on top of em. Its crazy kinda fun. haha.. though the amount we are expected to rmbr seems quite steep. but we will get there i guess :)

Well, uni is ok.. but there is so much to do and not much of a timeline to follow. any attempt to draw up a timeline jus reduces me to a puddle of fatigue and stress. Need to learnt o trust God more. seriously. at the moment all i see are piles and piles of work that build emselves up to mountains and i am a tiny mountaineer, barely reaching base camp. so sad! haha.. ah wells..

oh yeah, charlene: thanks for the songs and stuff. addictive!! hopefully it improves my pronunciation and vocabulary. though i must admit the songs just play on eternal repeat in my mind that it begins to scare me a lil :D :D :D cant get it out of my head!

On a random note to end... Know about the monday blues? monday happens to be the best day of my week: NO SCHULE!! :D yay! but of course, it then gets dedicated to mountain climbing :p ah wells, at least i get to study with char and jean every week. for that i am super grateful already.

alritey, that's all folks ( if there are still remnants of u)... if not, bye wall!
Tschüs!

On my mind...

Something feels absent and missing in my life. Am I drifting too far off? Losing who I am and who I should be? Becoming another individual? Sometimes it feels so good and so right, then the same awful questioning comes back, leading me to the realisation that the lack is still present. God save me.



Just some photos =) ISN'T CONRAD SUPER CUTE!! hahah..

If the world were one country...

If the world were one country
I'd travel everyday..
In all of places were one place
I'll explore every space..-
going wherever I wish i may...
every other day.
to distant places
farther and farther away...

DONT ask me why that is there. It was suppose to be in prose.

Anyways, trying to get myself to australia and in just one hour or so, i realised how difficult it is to surf the net and try to get things done. quite a frustration actually. mum says to look at the papers instead. and mayb i will! (ps:/ all the tension and undermining of my pia matter is totally unnecessary. thank you bery much) i'm new to this! cant expect much right? ok, *thinks* keep the neutral, non-emotion pumped tone.

ok, so! where should i go? what should i do? honestly? I just want to shop and shop and shop, then take pictures and take more pictures and take even more pictures. Come on! of all the places I've been to and all the things i've ever done overseas, the 3 main things are theme park rides, sight seeing and shopping. But having to BE on a tour for security reasons, i'm not so sure as to what kind of tour would just put me in a mall (that does not hold the King of kings of prices) and dump me on the beach afterwards.

oh well.. mayb i will not reach australia after all. after this one hour, suddenly the excitement of all the possibilities seem to fade before my eyes and that reality grows cold and becomes 2-D







haha!

we'll see how it goes la. but i really hope i get to go somehow....

later alligators! =)

Too Long...

It's been super long since the last time i updated. and yes, a million have complained about seeing the words 'work work work' till they are completely sianzed already.

The horrid thing is I always try to post when I have nothing to do, and it turns out nothing much is being posted. Anyways, went to bintan last last weekend. and I have to say that i love that place. the heat is fine, the sand is great, the view was wonderful and the company was of course excellent. thanks to the mummies who are such great cooks, we had delicious food all the way =) hanging out as a family was awesome. thank God for the not-as-humid-as-singapore kind of weather. I actually loved and enjoyed the beach super much as a result.

Thank God for the safe trip and the wonderful time.

This is my last week of work! hurray!! then it's official slacking all the way. who wants to go australia with me? i'm hoping to go with just one two people in mid july. if not, MAY go alone. (but may not come back alive) hahaha..
and to end off, photos!! hehe..

Gooday and God bless! =)

Beautiful reception area that we were dropped at before taking the buggy to our villa.










Breakfast at the Tanah Merah Ferry Terminal.










On the ferry heading for Bintan.. aunts, uncle, cousins, friend, bro..









Dad and I just after landing at Bintan.










Nickky and I at the reception area after the dancers did their cute tamborine welcome dance.










All to the beach!!











Elliot starting to dig..











Dig dig dig...











Bennet buried.. ha!











Stormy weather that came in a flash. Literally, but I couldn't capture it =(












That's all for now. Will be back in the next century! ha! =)

work work work...

Isn't that what most people do their entire lives? We work hard in pri sch to get to a good sec sch. Then we work hard to get to a good college. then again to try to secure a place in a university, in a course that hopefully we prefer. Then, we work hard to get a good job. But that's not the end! we work hard to sustain that position in that job, or to climb higher, etc etc etc.

Recently, I've been pondering about what I wanna do in the future cos quite frankly, its been a question I've been putting off all my life. ha! and now, there is almost no more escaping. What do we want with our lives? can our future career really enhance that desire? or will it alternatively crush that goal, dream and hope. Where do we draw the line between being idealistic and realistic. Is it REALLY unrealistic to have ideals?

At this point, I'm torn between doing what I always thought would be interesting, and what I think i really really like. Psyc is something i feel would be interesting, but I really like lit. Yet, I have never been good at lit and the A levels have only been a one off thing where I did well. Then of course, the oh so familiar question comes from all around me: "what do you wanna do in the future anyways?" I DONT KNOW! heh. Counselor? Clinical Psychologist? Journalist? Teacher?

I know we shouldn't fret about our future because it is in God's hands. It's just that when you are pressed to make a decision which leads to something in the future, it gets so difficult. Sometimes, I think I should just to a double major and see what i wanna do next time. but i dont even know what are the implications of THAT. it's so frustrating and worrying. yet, I've been stuck with this question for so long, I don't feel anything anymore. heh. Hopefully I get into nus. Then I can take another year to try and decide.

Anyways, I dont know how I got to that topic. off to meet steffi and jean for lunch, then rakky for tea, then jm for dinner. what an exciting day ahead! PLUS I've been having breakfast with my mummy everyday! how wonderful is that? makes me not wanna work anymore hahaha.. but that wouldn't be "normal" would it? we were destined to work our butts off! haha.. kiddin kiddin. plus me moolah ish runnin low....... that's super bad. haha.. alrite, ciao for now! =)

Praise the Lord

Here to post my testimony :)

As you all know, A level results came out on friday. It was a really interesting emotional experience. As usual, we all have cold feet at one point or another. It might be months before the results, moments before, AT THE POINT of the slip being slipped into your hands, etc etc.. Well, for me it was on and off. God kept reminding me, saying 'you've trusted me throughout your entire course of study and through all the papers. so why fret over the results when all the papers are in my hands?'

So logical and so so true! so that kinda calmed the nerves. The point of receiving the results wasn't a screaming and tears of joy session either. somehow, in my heart, i knew completely that it wasn't by my might that I got those grades. come on! seriously! if you knew what kind of student I was and the grades I have been getting through out my entire JC life, you'd understand why my parents are so concerned and at times, fretting too :D haha.. God is amazing. Interesting how our weakness can really be made perfect in His strength ya?

so PRAISE THE LORD!! All things are possible through Him!

Wanna congratulate all those who did so well and improved leaps and bounds too :) even for those who didn't "meet the mark" in your own individual definitions, well done! I think all of us should be thankful that we survived the entire experience and at least we pulled through to the end! the question that keeps coming back is, "what now?". Well, i believe God has a plan. that's where our entire security lies yeah? who else knows our future better but the one who drafted it!

Once again, praise be to God and ALL glory to His name and His alone! =)